It’s been a big year. Full of growth and change. I keep asking myself the same questions. All of which seem to intersect in painful and delicate ways.
Where should I live?
School or Work?
How much can I love you before I lose myself?
These are deep questions that you only face at critical junctures. The answers are not easy, with far-reaching effects.
I feel like I can at least answer the first burning question, and dear reader, I think we have a winner.
I’m a vagabond at heart, I love the road, trips to entirely new places. Bare white walls just waiting to be loved with adventures around every corner.
I’ve lived all over. West, east, and mountains mostly. Yet, always facing forward and looking to the next adventure. Now, to my surprise, I’m growing more entish. I want to put down roots and I’ve blown into Austin on a wild westbound wind redolent of fried tortillas and horchata. When I arrived I didn’t know if I would stay. I’ve been balancing on one foot and heading out of town on the other and now I’ve finally wrestled with my contrary demons and discovered I have actually arrived.
— 2 years ago I made a mixtape titled Arrival based on my exodus from Maryland to Texas. It’s funny how you despite all evidence of truth you refuse to accept it? Even for years at a time it seems. —
My bones knew I would stay and finally I can hear it in my heart and in my mind. My recent trip home to LA was the catalyst. I had a lovely time, explored old haunts and new, loved my family and held them close. But at every step, and every turn I couldn’t shake how much it wasn’t home which has never happened. It came over me simply and all at once. This incessant question finally answered, a sea-change overwhelming in it’s rightness.
A u s t i n i s m y h o m e.
It wasn’t easy, I have a hard time making permanent decisions. I like to keep things open and in planned order. I have exciting opportunities in the bay area and Portland calling my name, which only added to my confusion. Recent bouts of crippling anxiety and insomnia were simple physical manifestations of my unease. The place I have arrived is so quietly calm that it casts a ringing in my ears from the absence of my chattering and sometimes shrieking worry.
It’s a good place to be.
Hello twenty-fifteen, it’s about to get real.
P. S. I haven’t made any new years resolutions except to be kind and gentle with myself.